Thinking about letting the twins out for a little fun in the sun? Don’t worry. I once said I would never get naked in public too. Then I went to Spain. I actually felt uncomfortable with my top on. It was like watching “Showgirls” all over again. If you painfully made it through the entire film, you A. deserve some sort of badge or trophy for enduring such agony and B. felt like it was bizarre to walk around with your shirt on.
Well, that’s how I felt after a day at the beach in Ibiza, my first topless excursion…
10 Rules for Success on a Topless Beach
1. First, and foremost, make sure you are actually on a topless/nude beach before stripping down. If you are not, people will stare. It’s best to take a moment to assess the situation prior to garment removal. There are some beaches requiring appropriate bathing attire. You will feel naked if you get naked on one of these beaches… and a little silly too.
2. If it is a topless beach: yes, you will actually feel awkward with your bikini top on. Everyone is naked. Some people are too naked. These people will make you feel better about yourself. Also, consider what I like to call the “train-wreck principle”: people’s attention will more likely be drawn to the disasters than to your exposed breasts, unless, of course, they’re a train wreck.
3. When you leave your seat, it is okay to replace your bikini top. If you are going to the restroom, to get something to eat, or for a long walk on the beach, I strongly encourage replacing your top. See #4, #6, and #9 for further explanation.
4. While you are topless, no men will approach you or try to start a conversation with you. It’s like an unspoken rule. If a man does speak to you while you are topless, he’s probably nuts, so pretend to speak a language he does not. If he speaks English, mumble incoherently. Then relocate. Or tell him he’s weird. Or both.
5. (Most) European men are checking you out. Don’t worry; you will not notice this. After years upon years of practice, these men are used to the topless beach and have honed their skills at gawking at your body in a way that is nonthreatening, and basically, incapable of detection. Yes, they are the ninjas of gawking.
6. And these are also the men who will eventually approach you when your top is back on that you will actually talk to. How smart! Those with years of nude-beach-training know better than to approach while you are naked.
Whether this is instilled genetically, learned in school, or simply common sense, I have no clue; but, it is worth mentioning: if you speak to a guy while on the beach, he has already seen you (½) naked and approves. Yeah! This means you can say a bunch of stupid things before he’ll even start to notice you’re saying a lot of stupid things.. I guess that’s only relevent if you’re like me and say a lot of stupid things.
7. This does not include men from the US or the UK. Or maybe it does, but not the three Brits that loudly declared how my friend Nicole and I had “great tits” while enjoying the sun in Ibiza. Actually, they didn’t just say “great tits” and move on, they discussed our twins for at least five minutes and chose to sit directly behind us while doing so.
While feeling complimented on several levels, their assumption regarding our language skills cost them the enjoyment of purchasing drinks for us later that evening. And, damn, we’re still fun, so imagine how much fun we were 10 years ago in the party capital of the world…
As for American men, I can’t be the only one who knows at least one guy who is more than a foot taller suffering from that one neck injury. You know, the one that makes him incapable of raising his eyes any further north than your chest… Maybe it isn’t a neck injury. I don’t know. Maybe he thinks the girls are about to perform some magic trick or a wardrobe malfunction is imminent. Whatever the case may be, American men will never be ogling ninjas.
8. If anyone does noticeably ogle, put him in his place with panache: As for our British friends, we silently giggled to ourselves, but when it was time to go, we neatly placed our possessions in our bags, replaced our bikini tops, stood, lowered our sunglasses, and declared, “Check out that guy’s package!” and then, “Oooo, yeah, that’s a nice one!”
I’ve never seen such a shade of red, on not one, but three human beings as they realized we understood and spoke English. And my mother always told me, “Patience is a virtue.”
9. Don’t lose your stuff. Losing your stuff, which is where your bikini top and clothing are stored, will make getting back to your hotel, hostel, or pension more difficult than it needs to be. Unless, of course, you’re hitchhiking. If you’re hitchhiking, I’d hazard to guess that getting back to your hotel will be easier sans clothes. I dunno! I’ve never tried it. I don’t suggest you do either.
10. Last, but not least, don’t forget your sunscreen. I don’t feel the need to extrapolate or provide visual aids on the necessity of sunscreen while going topless. I hope that’s okay.
With these tips in mind, enjoy liberating the girls on a topless beach. They’ve been repressed far too long. They’ve earned it. And call me crazy, but I think a little sun keeps ’em perky for a few extra years.
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Reference:
- Three Bad Dates: www.associatedcontent.com/article/6177896/three_bad_dates.html?cat=41
- Pete’s Guide to Gift Giving: www.associatedcontent.com/article/6165150/petes_guide_to_gift_giving.html?cat=46
- 10 Harvard Studies: Justification for Hypocrisy, Sex, and, Well, Sex: www.associatedcontent.com/article/6187750/10_harvard_studies_justification_for.html?c
