I have a long association with heroin. I am drawn to it. I once overdosed on my father’s methadone.
During the late 70s in Dublin, Ireland, my father was involved in a number of armed robberies, heists etc. He spent the first five years of my life in Mountjoy prison as punishment for those crimes. It was during this stint behind bars he became addicted to heroin. It’s over a quarter of a century since his release and he’s now addicted to methadone, a heroin substitute which is equally addictive. He’s been taking the latter for more than seven years now.
When you live with a heroin addict, there are a number of things of which you might take note, here’s my eighteen point guide to surviving life with one:
(1) Junkies are as egocentric as toddlers, don’t expect them to empathize with you, it’s not within their cognitive abilities;
(2) If, like me, you have the misfortune of having the same name as your live-in-junkie, make sure to include the abbreviation ‘Jnr’ or some other signifier that differentiates you from said junkie on all important correspondence, like bank statements, especially bank statements, you will thank me, (or you could just leave, cutting all ties.);
(3) Make sure all methadone and heroin is out of reach of children. This led to my methadone overdose. It took me four days to recover and I couldn’t say what was wrong with me for obvious reasons. Dummy;
(4) Keep ALL valuables nailed into position, maybe use industrial glue. I heard a sturdy safe is handy, bolted to the floor, also;
(5) If there are young children in the home, one should always remind them that said live-in-junkie has diabetes and is making themselves ‘all better’ by punching holes in their wieners;
(6) Contrary to popular belief, junkies do know that other foods apart from yogurt and muffins exist, they just can’t digest them right now, so stop pushing your delicious meals on them, they are going to waste;
(7) If your sexual partner happens to be said live-in-junkie, use condoms, or dental dams. Do it;
(8) If one or both of your parents happen to be the live-in-junkie, make sure to set your alarm clock for school in the morning, they might not be able to get the heat into their bones until well after noon and after the first hit;
(9) Make a packed lunch for school the night before (good nutrition is important for growing minds), steal food from large supermarkets if all the money has been spent on smack;
(10) Remind the bullies that the only difference between the drugs your parents are addicted to and the drugs their parents are addicted to is political economics;
(11) Sometimes scruffy zombies will call to your door pretending they want to borrow a Playstation game from your live-in-junkie, or something similar, they are most likely looking for drugs or selling them. Close the door;
(12) If you start finding dockets from the pawnbrokers in the live-in-junkie’s pockets (when they remember to change their clothes), the pawned items most likely belong to someone other than the junkie. Retain dockets and investigate further;
(13) Sometimes Amy Winehouse says clever things that she should pay more attention to: “I can’t help you if you don’t help yourself. / You can only get so much from someone yeah”;
(14) Most junkies don’t notice the deterioration of their physical appearance until they’ve come clean, so there’s no use telling them they look shit. They think they look stunning. Let’s just leave it at that;
(15) Every now and again the live-in-junkie may attempt to join the living again. That’s us, the living. You and me. They might want to borrow money to pay for rehab or to buy their last hit before they go cold turkey. This may be a genuine attempt to come clean, but only if it’s the latter. This conclusion is based entirely on economics;
(16) A telltale sign your live-in-junkie is high: they clean everything but themselves, quite maniacally. This is a good thing. You can use it to your advantage. The junkie cleans to hide the fact that their high, but we know better. Act oblivious and your home will always be clean;
(17) Treat your junkie with sugary snacks on occasion. They like that. They do;
(18) If you happen to be the unfortunate child of two junkie parents, a foster home might not be a bad option. Think about it. It’ll most likely be temporary and local. Use it to your advantage. More parents = bigger inheritance possibilities. Work what you got. Play the adoption card if you strike it lucky with a rich a family. Cry wolf if you have to.
