Has your wife cheated? Are you unsure on what steps to take to recover and how to continue having a relationship with your wife? To help understand why some relationships have affairs and others don’t and what you can do now that your wife has cheated, I have interviewed therapist Dr. Amy Bush.
Tell me a little bit about yourself
I have been in practice for over 30 years and have specialized in couple’s therapy the past 12 years. I did not receive training in this type of work in graduate school so I took many workshops and seminars looking for guidance. Most counselors believe they can do couples work based on their ability to do individual counseling but it is an entirely different modality. Most couple’s therapy hasn’t worked because the counselor tries to teach the man to be more like a woman and express his feelings, etc. This can’t really be done. The genders are very different and have different ways of interacting and communicating, both of which are perfectly valid. Any family or couples therapy needs to focus on understanding and hearing, not trying to change how someone talks. (Some wives leave therapy because they want me to fix their husband and make him more emotional.) I sought out the theorists who honored that and added my own life knowledge to develop my approach.”
“Personally I have had one bad marriage and one terrific one. I can see the difference and see my part in each relationship. That experience also helps me understand what is actually helpful.”
What are some reasons a wife would cheat?
“So right away you begin with what doesn’t work. Why cheating wives? Now we are looking at a good guy/bad guy theory which isn’t accurate and isn’t helpful to the couple. The question that is useful is why do some relationships involve affairs and others don’t. Something isn’t working and one spouse acts out. The answer I get from that spouse repeatedly is that he/she was looking for acceptance, someone who wouldn’t judge or criticize them, someone to talk to honestly, some warmth and closeness. No one mentions sex, by the way, as a motivation. Many affairs are emotional and not sexual. Men and women who do have sex with their affair partners explain that they experience sex as a way to get the intimacy and warmth they need.”
What type of impact can a cheating wife have on a marriage relationship?
“The impact of taking intimacy outside the marriage depends on the couple and what they have invested in the family. Some react in anger and retribution and end the marriage immediately. Those that come to me have strong reasons to stay together and are committed to repairing the damage. Having an affair doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner or want your family anymore. It means you are lonely and in pain and probably want to get closer to your spouse.”
What can a husband do once he knows his wife is cheating?
“Don’t make any sudden decisions. You will feel differently later. Don’t do what many feel compelled to do, such as ask for names and details, (you don’t want to know, believe me), confronting the affair partner, following some self-help book. Don’t ask for promises; don’t forgive. These all lead to more problems down the road and are messy to clean up. Talk openly with your spouse, share your feelings, and be angry and hurt without punishing. Talk and talk and talk, (actually, listen, listen, listen), about what you both want. All of this is much easier with someone to guide you so by all means seek help and do it right away. Do it with a professional who specializes and understands affairs.”
How can the husband and cheating wife benefit from professional help?
“You are both in a heated state. You’re highly emotional and very vulnerable. Discussing all this with a third party keeps you from saying and doing things you will regret. The professional can help you listen and hear each other; how to begin to understand each other’s method of communication. It can make the difference between saving the marriage and family or not. Dealing with this situation is counter-intuitive so what you think will help doesn’t. Apologies, trust, forgiveness are complicated issues. Being alone with these complicated issues may lead to more fighting, pain and destructive behavior. Remember, if you didn’t know how to prevent it, you really don’t know how to make the repairs.”
Are affairs always negative?
“Not necessarily. It points out the shortcomings in the relationship and can lead to a much better connection in the future. Many couples tell me they have talked more, listened better and talked more honestly since the affair and have become closer as a result. Not a reason to have an affair, it is more painful than you can imagine, but a silver lining to the cloud if one does happen.”
Thank you Dr. Bush for doing the interview on how a husband can deal with a cheating wife. For more information on Dr. Bush and her work you can check out her website on www.amybushphd.com.
Recommended Readings:
How to Heal from a Cheating Relationship
Catch Your Cheating Husband
Cheating Husbands: Why They Cheat and Steps to Prevent Cheating
