Adult children fly out the door and then come back in on the rebound. A problem for some parents is keeping the empty nest empty. Financial problems, divorce, and other issues sometimes drive adult children back to your house to live. When this happens, you need to have a plan in place so that the situation can remain tolerable for both you and your child.
Try not to think like a parent.
Parents feel this innate need to nurture and protect their children. While this is noble, it can present difficulties when adult children need to move home. Allowing your child to move back in without some meaningful discussions and agreements is a formula for unhappy living experiences. It is alright to give your child a break. In order for the arrangement to work for the long term, you need to treat the situation like you are renting a room to a stranger.
You need to be able to live with the situation.
Before you talk to your child about living arrangements, sit down and decide what you can and cannot live with. If you have a spouse, involve your partner in this thought process. Anything that you know will violate your morals or personal needs should be ruled off limits during your child’s stay in your home. Your child is a renter and not a guest if this set up is going to last more than 5 days.
Set house rules.
These rules should be for your benefit. They are guidelines to prevent your adult child from driving you insane. It really does not matter if your child likes them or not. He or she must agree to them or not move in. You can allow your child some say in these rules if you have a great relationship with him or her. Just remember that any compromise that you make is not likely to benefit you.
Agree on food.
Are you providing the groceries? You need to discuss how the food will be purchased, who will prepare it, and when it can be eaten. It is a good idea to establish three pantry areas. Make one for you and your spouse, one for your child, and one for the household. This should lessen the chance that something will be eaten that was purchased for a special meal or event. It is also a good way to divide up the cost of food in the house.
Meal times can be a problem.
You need to set a time for each meal that will be prepared for the whole family. If your child wants to eat at separately, make a meal schedule. Also, you can set table rules for the use of phones and gadgets if your child is addicted to their use.
Set limits on helping with money and personal needs.
You are not a bank any longer for an adult child. One assumes that a healthy adult child can earn some type of income. If this is not true, you can adjust accordingly. Your child will be expected to pay his or her own way. The same is true for any transportation needs for your child or any extra family that might come attached. It is not a problem to help, but you need limits and rules.
Set up a rent amount.
Even if you are uncomfortable about collecting rent from your child, he or she needs to pay something for living with you. You can always secretly put this money away as a savings account for your child. When it is big enough, you can surprise him or her with enough money to move out. It adds dignity to your child’s life if he or she is paying something for the room and board being received.
Discuss an exit strategy.
You really do not want to spend the whole time your child is living with you wondering when moving day is going to come. Set this up in the beginning. Make arrangements for a month or three months or a year. Whatever is reasonable for you child’s current financial situation.
When that time draws near, sit down with your child and discuss whether the move is coming or new arrangements need to be made. This keeps you in control. At the time of this talk, you can say no more, we need a new deal, or things are going well so let’s extend the move date a little. It is your call. If you extend the time, set a new date, and repeat this process.
