Causes of sibling rivalries range from the trivial to the odd. Youngsters compare the numbers of home fries on the dinner plate and the sizes of the ice cream scoops received for dessert. Children know if one member of the family receives preferential treatment; and the age gap does not really matter in this pint-sized time, quantity and size-driven economy. The allotment of time is how parents create sibling rivalry — albeit unintentionally — that is then noted and occasionally also commented on by the kids. The competition between kids may seem sometimes funny, but below the surface there is a world of unmet needs and fears. What can mom or dad do today to turn things around?
Censoring feelings vs. acknowledging frustration
University of Iowa researchers explain that sibling rivalry is normal in the best of families. One of the many ways that feelings of being slighted are expressed is verbally. The preteen might complain that the preschooler received a cookie before dinner, when she was denied a piece of chocolate. From there, she might complaint about his constant ability to disturb her in her room or take her books.
How parents create sibling rivalry in this setting is clear: most anyone will attempt to get the preteen to stop complaining about the younger child. This is a mistake; it is worthwhile to instead acknowledge the feelings the youngster expresses. Give these feelings names, such as “frustrated” or “mad,” and verbally affirm that you understand how the child is feeling. Once a youngster feels heard, the sting of the slight diminishes.
Striving for equality vs. individuality
It is virtually impossible to treat two distinct individuals in exactly the same manner, especially if they are years apart in age. Even so, the older child inevitably will frown on the block of time the parent spent with the younger sibling — and then ask for exactly the same amount of time. What she does not realize is the fact that she does not want to spend three hours at a playground anymore. Thus, the parent who acquiesces will still not see the older child happy, in spite of meeting the exact time requirement.
North Dakota State University researchers explain that children must be treated differently because they are individuals. In addition, when dealing with adolescents, remember that during these tumultuous years they may not seem very lovable, but actually need even more patience, love and attention. Never short-change the older sibling in favor of the younger one. Instead, consistently block off some time to spend with each child individually to engage on their turfs.
Dealing with symptoms vs. meeting basic needs
Causes of sibling rivalries can sometimes be as simple as a missed nap, empty stomach or full bladder. If parents deal with the symptoms of the problem, such as the bickering children, they ignore the root causes. In the cases of older children, dig a bit deeper. Is one of the children too loud at night and costs the other one a good night’s sleep? Do in-home band practice and homework time collide? Do not be afraid to switch around room assignments, basement band practice room time allotments or to institute additional snack times.
Sources
University of Iowa: “Understanding Children”
North Dakota State University: “Living With Your Teenager”
More by Sylvia Cochran
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