Unhealthy expression of anger can, over time, destroy a marriage. It’s essential for the couple to know how to manage their anger and communicate with each other effectively. To help understand unhealthy ways that married couples manage their anger and anger management tips for married couples, I have interviewed therapist Tom Tobias.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Nationally Certified Counselor with 37 years of experience in couples and family therapy. I am married 37.5 years to the same lady. We have two grown children. I have worked in psychiatric hospitals, community agencies, private hospitals and therapeutic schools, and partial hospitalization programs, as well as maintaining a private practice in Central Florida since 1986. I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a Masters in counseling from the University of Toledo.”
What are unhealthy ways that married couples manage their anger with each other?
“They tend to become very defensive very easily when they assume they know what is meant by some word or action of their spouse. They rarely take the time to check to see what the intent of the comment or action was. Instead, they assume the worst-case scenario. Then they respond as if their assumptions were correct. This brings on defensiveness from their partner. Now we have two people who have become very cold toward one another and who are building walls between each other to protect themselves. Next comes a series of verbal assaults, each more vitriolic than the last. Name-calling is common. Dredging up past offenses works as fuel to the process. Casting aspersions on the other’s family members, denying blame while accusing the other of fault, loudly assuming the most selfish of motives for your spouses behavior, cussing, swearing, slamming things and then throwing things may all precede the worst possible behavior in such instances: physical violence.
What type of impact can unhealthy expressions of anger have on the marriage?
“The impact can be quite serious indeed. Couples may assume that things said in anger are really believed, but not spoken until enough rage is built up to force them out. ‘You couldn’t have said it if you were not thinking it !’ Scars are left behind that can take a very long time to heal. Some never do. These scars cause deterioration in the trust, respect and affection the couple share for each other. They can make intimacy very difficult or impossible. Without intimacy the couple will begin to drift apart, no longer able to meet each other’s needs.”
What are some anger management tips you can give for married couples?
“The following are some of my anger management tips for married couples:
1. Remember that half of your anger is at yourself, because you are unable to control the situation in the first place.
2. Learn to see your partner’s anger as an expression of deep emotional pain. Search for the cause of that pain (even if it’s YOU ) and offer to help stop the pain.
3. Use disclaimers to clarify the source of your bad mood. (E.g. ‘I am not upset with you, but my mother is driving me crazy.’)
4. Agree in advance on a signal that either couple can use to stop the fight. Use this as a time for truce. Calm down. Cool off. Reengage logic rather than emotion. LATER, try discussion instead of fighting.
5. Admit the truth about yourself as early as possible. Share pet peeves openly and make room for each other to express healthy anger without becoming angry yourself.
What type of professional help is available for married couples that have a difficult time managing their anger?
“There are many professionals available to help couples iron out their difficulties. Look in the phonebook or search online for Marital Therapists, Family Therapists, Licensed Mental Health Counselors or Licensed Clinical Social Workers. Sometimes Pastors can be helpful if you feel comfortable going that route. It is important to choose someone with experience, who is detached and objective so they do not take sides, and above all, someone the couple both feel at ease with. If the first person you see does not work out, KEEP SEARCHING! Once you have a good match, the results will come. Remember, marriage is WORK as well as pleasure and it takes BOTH partners trying full time to create success.”
Thank you Tom Tobias for doing the interview on anger management tips for married couples. For more information on Tom or his work you can check out his web site on www.triadpsychologicalservices.com.
Recommended Readings:
Strategies For Improving Communication with Your Spouse
How to Improve Communication in Your Marriage
Effectively Communicating with Your Spouse
